


Near the end

by kihobebe



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, I am so sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Memories, Other, Past Relationship(s), Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 03:51:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16054976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kihobebe/pseuds/kihobebe
Summary: There were nights that were worse than others, in which Kihyun almost gave up. In which he almost let the black light take him under, but he resisted. There were things that he needed to check upon, before getting his deserved rest. There were things.





	Near the end

**Author's Note:**

> I wish I could say this is short and sweet, but it's just short. Inspired by [Day6 - Breaking down](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmBaZKYEXN8)

You seem just fine, 

almost better on your own, 

I don’t blame you cause hearts never break the same

[Breaking down - Day6]

 

 

It’d been a while since Kihyun had been wandering. His feet, always so sure in their path, kept guiding him to places he once knew better than his own palms, but that now held no solace, no warm energy that they once brimmed with. They were dull, their once lively atmosphere gone forever. It was not the end of the world, that’s what Kihyun thought. Things were always changing, and one shouldn' stop evolving or moving if they don’t want to be dragged under by the current. He learned his lessons, he should never stop moving. Moving was good, it meant he was still there. It meant that his existence was still meaningful, in one way or another. Moving was the only thing he could do, the only thing that was keeping him grounded. So, Kihyun wandered. There were corners that once held secrets only Kihyun and his lover knew, but that now seemed washed in a new, grey light. It covered everything in its ashy tones and it probably meant something, but Kihyun couldn’t pay attention to it, couldn’t focus, couldn't give it the importance it probably had. There were more important things, like the memories that were slowly fading. Soon enough everything would be enveloped in a new, dark light that would mean there was nothing left to remember. Kihyun shouldn’t stop moving.

 

Kihyun saw him, once or twice, in passing. His face seemed pale, his eyes downcasted as he crossed a street without checking if any car was passing by. Kihyun wanted to scold him. His once brilliant red hair had been dyed back to black, and Kihyun couldn’t stop wondering if he did it for a reason. Did the memories haunt him, too? Was he trying to move on? Had he already forgotten everything that was worth remembering? Questions he couldn’t get the answers to kept bugging his mind, swirling like smoke in the wind, getting into the most remote corners of his being and keeping him up at night. He felt like throwing up at times, even if he hadn’t eaten anything for several days. Was he feeling that bad, too? Had he already threw out all of Kihyun’s things? There were nights that were worse than others, in which Kihyun almost gave up. In which he almost let the black light take him under, but he resisted. There were things that he needed to check upon, before getting his deserved rest. There were things.

 

There was one day, one particular windy day in which the sky was so grey that everything seemed extremely chilly and frozen in time, and Kihyun was feeling the pull stronger than any other day. He kept being dragged towards their favourite place, a quiet cafè standing at the corner of one of the quietest streets of the city, the park right in front of it looking haunted with its trees without leaves on their branches, bare arms that reached towards the sky and asked for help. It was fall, Kihyun realized, but he couldn’t focus on the reds and oranges and yellows that littered the streets with colour, the grey still too suffocating, too strong. Kihyun saw him again, crossing the street in a hurry, his scarf tight around his neck. It was the one that Kihyun gifted him the last Christmas they spent together, Kihyun knew that even if he couldn’t see its lavender colour from the distance. He would recognize it anywhere, and he knew it was his favourite, regardless of everything. The pull took him some steps closer towards the glass doors he had just went through, taking Kihyun’s feet right before the entrance of the cafè.

 

The cozy feeling in which the place was once wrapped seemed to have been disappeared, the grey light washing the warm interiors and making everything look two-dimensional, flat, lifeless. The only thing that had some parvence of life, a light within that couldn’t be dimmed, was Hoseok. He was sitting at their favourite table, a book in his hands, a cup of hot coffee near him. Kihyun noticed how the corners of his lips kept being dragged down, how his once sparkly eyes were dull, their amazing expressiveness lost somewhere. He looked sad, he looked miserable. Kihyun ached to cross that door and get closer, to sit at the same table and order something warm to quench the coldness that was seeping through his bones, but instead he just stood there, right before the entrance, his gaze fixed on Hoseok and his beautiful face. The tips of his ears were dusted by a light blush, just as the tip of his nose. He looked more pale and skinnier than Kihyun had ever seen him, his once full cheeks disappeared just like the gleam in his eyes. Kihyun turned his back to the coffee shop and run away, so far away he almost forgot who he even was. 

 

Sometimes Kihyun wished to find the courage to stop Hoseok and talk to him, remember him that he loved him with all his heart and soul. Other times he couldn’t stand to look at him, at all. His head turned in another direction as soon as his eyes made contact with Hoseok’s ones, always dimmed, always cold. Always sad. Kihyun wished for them to go back to their sparkling beauty, for them to find something that would light them up like fires in the freezing storm. Kihyun wished, but he couldn’t make anything become reality, his own will was barely strong enough to keep him standing, keep him moving. Fall was leaving place for winter, the ice adorning windows and trees a clear sign of the change in temperature. Kihyun didn’t really feel it. The grey light was still there, still dulling every single light that could warm Kihyun up, the sun just a pale memory. Winter was good, it meant that Hoseok would stay inside, warm and secure. It meant that Kihyun didn’t have to see the sorrowful expression taking permanent possession of his face. He could avoid the truth for a little bit more.

 

The pull was getting stronger and stronger, but Kihyun resisted it. He felt it during lonely, terribly glacial nights, the nights that kept creeping upon him when he least expected. The dark was not his ally, but neither was the grey light. He soon realized he had nowhere left to run, that his scattered pieces would soon be too far away from each other to be put back together again. There was simply no way. The only thought that kept him secure, tied to reality, was that Hoseok was sad. That he hadn’t heard his laugh in so long, Kihyun wondered if he was still able to produce such a sound. It was a chilling thought, scarier than the hard force trying to get him to lose his grip. He just wished to hear it one more time, to see those pretty lips curl up in his signature smile, in which his cheeks got more prominent and his eyes shined. Kihyun missed Hoseok’s smile. Kihyun missed everything that Hoseok was, for him, and he wished that Hoseok would miss him, too.

 

Spring was fast to come, its delicate light and warm air making reality a little more bearable, a little less scary. Blooming flowers were scattered everywhere, even if Kihyun couldn’t focus on their beautiful glow. He had more important views to fix his eyes upon, like Hoseok sitting with his legs crossed in the middle of a grass field, his head thrown back while big, fat tears run down his face. Kihyun kept his distance, his heart breaking in half at the sight of his loved one crying alone in the middle of nowhere, his pain clear in the way that loud sobs shook his entire body, making him look smaller than ever. Kihyun wished nothing more than to hug him tight and tell him that everything would be ok, but he couldn’t. Losing Hoseok, for Kihyun, was losing everything he had, and he couldn’t do anything else but cry, too, his voice covered by the sound of wind playing with the new leaves growing on the branches. 

 

He wished he could see the bright pink of the blossoms on their favourite cherry tree, the one under which they shared their first kiss. But Kihyun couldn’t, the grey light growing fuller, its power reaching out to fill every corner of Kihyun’s vision. He knew he shouldn’t have stopped, but seeing Hoseok cry broke something in him, and he couldn’t help but lay down under that tree, taking the spot Hoseok had left some time before. The ground was still warm, but Kihyun couldn’t really feel it, his hands caressing with light fingers the grass in which Hoseok had left his feelings seep into. The cherry tree looked beautiful, its figure casting a sweet shadow upon Kihyun’s head, one that wasn’t really needed. The sun wasn’t shining that day, a dark fog making its rays getting lost before touching the earth’s surface. There was a crack, somewhere. Kihyun felt it when it opened on its own. It had a meaning, but he didn’t want to focus on that. Time was passing, but what did even time mean to him?

 

Summer came and went, Kihyun didn’t really notice it. The light was getting worse, Kihyun was getting worse. There were days during which he couldn’t move at all, trapped in the shadows that once gave him shelter, now they were just cages that kept him tied up, incapable of moving. He heard Hoseok’s laugh, once or twice, but it could have been a dream, something that he came up with to stop feeling like the world was breaking down. His fingertips were on fire, and so was his mind. Summer wasn’t pretty, summer just felt like everything would end soon, and he couldn’t wait for it to become a reality, not just a looming sensation above his head. Kihyun kept his will to move anyway, his heart pulling him towards the places he loved the most. Towards the people he loved the most. Towards the one person he loved the most. He kept being pulled in two complete diffirentes direction, and he was afraid he would soon break in half, their power tearing him apart more than his own feelings.

 

Hoseok smiled. It was small, but Kihyun saw it. The new barista at their favourite cafè seemed to always try to charm him, try to make him laugh, but until that day it didn’t work. Kihyun saw Hoseok’s teeth flash in the darkness that enveloped his world, and he felt like smiling, too. There were things Kihyun needed to see, and this was one of them. The grin on Hoseok’s face was dim, but it was there, and it gave Kihyun hope. It made Kihyun realize that Hoseok did indeed miss him, and it sparked a warm light in the middle of Kihyun’s chest, a fuzzy feeling he hadn’t felt in a long while. It was love, Kihyun realized, and he laughed a little, his voice lost in the wind once again. Autumn was around the corner, and the breeze was chill, its hand taking the leaves one by one off the trees’ branches. It also put a smile on Hoseok’s face when it ruffled his hair, running through his soft, dark locks. Kihyun pretended it was his own hand that made Hoseok so happy, and he felt that sensation once again, that warm spark that ignited his chest, the pull to his gut lessening. The grey light was no longer there, the world bright in its colours, and Kihyun walked right next to his lover, taking his hand for a brief second with windy fingers, squeezing his palm lightly before letting go.

 

There were things that Kihyun needed to see, and he finally could do it with a lighter heart, the image of Hoseok’s smile imprinted in his mind forever. He seemed happy, he seemed fine, finally at peace with reality and with Kihyun’s absence. Kihyun knew that heartbreak never looked the same, but he also knew that Hoseok could find the strength to pull the pieces back together into one once he stopped beating himself up over Kihyun’s end. Life would go on even without him, but he wasn’t scared of that anymore.    
  


**Author's Note:**

> I kinda made myself cry 
> 
> As usual, you can come scream at me on [tumblr](http://kihobebe.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/kihoxbebe/) or [curios cat](https://curiouscat.me/kihoxbebe)


End file.
